Tyler Tynes and Zito Madu break down Monday night’s tomfoolery.
The Houston Rockets and Los Angeles Clippers played Monday night and the main event was a weird-ass fake brawl in the locker rooms. SB Nation Staff Writers Tyler Tynes and Zito Madu chat about whatever the happened:
Tynes: So, Zito, I still don’t know what happened last night. Do you?
Madu: Apparently Chris Paul led his men through a secret passageway in the stadium to defend the honor of his new team and coach after being disrespected by Blake Griffin, serial glass and team employee puncher. I’m assuming the first question he asked when they walked in was: “Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?”
Tynes: This honestly sounds like a new level to Super Mario. All of these dudes got offended within the last 3 minutes of the game and decided to make this into a 2 am club scuffle without any broken bottles.
Madu: It’s the most gentrified NBA thing ever. There’s too many Chelsea boots being worn in the league for a real fight to happen.
At first when I heard about this, I thought this fight wasn’t even worth it. People wanna fight Blake Griffin like 25 times a season. But then once I heard it was because Austin Rivers was talking crazy? They shoulda burned the arena down.
Madu: The fact that Austin Rivers is allowed to talk shit is the best indication that the NBA isn’t tough anymore.
Tynes: I don’t care where I am in the world. If Austin Rivers disrespects me like that, I’m assaulting him with a Timberland.
Madu: He’s just so annoying. He knows his time in the NBA is a product of blatant nepotism, which is fine to a degree, but then he goes around behaving as if he’s much better and tougher than he really is. Now he’s talking tough while being protected by the NBA’s tough rules against fighting. He’s the perfect teacher’s pet.
Tynes: The sleeper in this whole fight, though? Chris Paul. Chris Paul not only has diplomatic basketball immunity, he also has some ugly ass hands, and, apparently, the fastest ugly ass hands Doc Rivers has seen. He would know, as the proprietor of some equally ugly ass hands.
Madu: Well, he got his men there, but there was no fight in them, so at least he’s faithful to his NBA career even off the court. But I’m sure he can fight. He has that aggressive short guy thing going on.
Tynes: It’s not a “thing” it’s just how you must survive in this world. Not something I’d know from experience, though, given I am 6-foot-9.
Madu: I’m pretty sure you come up to my elbow.
Tynes: There is no proof of any of this.
The only proof we have is the following: The Rockets started a fight because Austin Rivers talked shit. A goaltend, some ripped tights, and the general NBA shit talkin shouldn’t really be catalyst enough to use the secret tunnels of the Staples Center. Austin Rivers started this in a bad suit and a walking boot and then dared Trevor Ariza to beat his ass. He might get jumped off pure principle the next time they play.
Madu: And then the police was called. They called the police to stop a squabble, a scuffle
Tynes: In brunch boots with Austin Rivers.
What the hell were the Rockets thinking? The only rational excuse is that this was a promo for the next episode of “Ball In The Family.”
Madu: The NBA is a soap opera, so I can see it. I just wanted to see Clint Capela beat Austin Rivers with his own walking boot
Tynes: Clint Capela is the only one in this arrangement that deserves to ask questions and not be fined. Poor young man got a door shut in his face and only wanted directions to the *thinks of what the Swiss eat* Fondue? Fondue.
Madu: He’s like the underage kid whose fake ID didn’t work, so now he has to find things to do while his friends party. ”Hey, when are you guys going to be done?”
Tynes: It’s like he’s an Uber driver that got called to a bank robbery. He ain’t ask for all of this. He’s just tryna get paid.
Madu: Right now, his Wikipedia page reads “who is best known for being used as a Trojan horse diversion as Chris Paul led his Rocket teammates through a secret entrance to confront Austin Rivers and Blake Griffin.”
Tynes: The most 23-year-old shit ever. What a way to go out.
Madu: They basically told him to wait outside and let them know when mom is coming.
Tynes: All this for behavior that can’t even get them called thugs by MAGA twitter. This is why Shaq and Charles Barkley and that dude in the corner of your barbershop think the league is soft. Hell, if dudes were hitting me with steel chairs every night to stop layups, I might think the same thing, too.
Madu: I totally understand why the league can’t have fights, from the general safety and marketing perspectives. But then you end up with a league full of Drakes.
Tynes: That must be why you love it so much. Ain’t that your favorite rapper?
Madu: I happen to live a life that corresponds well with his “driving home at 3am wondering if it’s time to change my life” music.
Tynes: Well, you and the NBA are perfect for each other.